Of Bugs and Beer

A Rant on the Most Recent Tightening of the Kosher Noose

I recently came across a discussion about about the kashrut of beer, and it reminded me of some previous stuff I’ve seen about vegetables, and in truth, the whole thing, bugs me.

The writer was explaining that while IPAs, which used to not need a hechsher (symbol of kosher certification) now do or soon will.

What you need to know if you’re not an Orthodox Jew is that for a long while unflavored beer was widely regarded as inherently kosher. It did not need certification unless it was flavored with something that was not beer.

Yes, you’re kiwi-flavored stout might be a problem, but not your standard Michelob or micro-brew. Flavoring can be problematic because who knows but that kiwi taste was engineered from beetles or in a vat use for storing pork fat. But straight up beer was fine. A Jew is a Jew and hops are hops.

But comes along this person and says, beware of IPAs because they may be made with lactose sugars, which, I guess are cow derived?

Well, first of all, let me point out that IPAs are disgusting.

And, secondly, are you kidding me?

I know. I know.

It’s all part of a very deep, spiritual practice, and I don’t mean that in the slightest way ironically.

And yet and yet there’s something about this obsession with minutiae that’s a little off putting to those of us or not 100 percent on board, and things like lactose intolerant IPA warnings remind me that I’m one of those.

Yes, I keep kosher.

Yes, I won’t be keeping any of those cow-concocted brews in my refrigerator now that I know they are treif (not kosher)—mostly because I want religious Jews to feel comfortable eating in my house, although after reading this post, a couple of them might balk.

The whole thing reminds me of the trend you see every once in a while where some Jew from the Five Towns will post a picture of a tiny pink worm poking its head out of a raspberry and suddenly Jews around the world are tossing those high-priced berries into the trash—unless they blend them in a Vitamix, which, for some reason is alright. . . .

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Before I got married I went on a date with the woman who was flirting with frumdom,¹ and she pointed out the hypocrisy of some of this.

“Some of the guys I’ve gone on dates with,” she said, holding up a broccoli floret “won’t eat this because they’re afraid of bugs but still wanna sleep with me.”

Well, honestly, this is not about religious hypocrisy for me. It’s about the tightening of the kashrut noose.

It’s hard enough to be a Jew. There are enough laws and regulations. There are plenty enough things we can’t eat and drink, I would argue, to keep us on a spiritual path. We don’t need to keep adding to them.

I remember a few years ago we used to happily used be able to kasher glass products, which means if you accidentally drop some hot milk on your meat-designated Corningware plate you could pour some boiling water on it and essentially it would be good as new. Now you have to throw it out.

Why? Because some rabbis decided they were being too lenient on glass and that when melted butter drops onto the meat plate, it essentially becomes an eternal cheeseburger. Forbidden food. As if one in 1 million rabbis could taste the difference between a steak served on that plate and one that had never touched a pat of butter.

I’m not old enough to remember a time before glatt kosher meat. But people tell me you could once could go into a kosher butcher shop in America and buy meat that was not glatt. Glatt means extra super kosher because the lungs of the animal have been checked to make sure they don’t have cooties—okay, nodules.²

But, at some time ago, as National Hebrew would say, we were held to a higher authority. ³

And now kosher meat plants no longer pack anything that isn’t glatt.

Apparently, you can still find plenty of non-glatt meat in Israel, but I’ve only once seen it in America. It was in a little kosher grocery in the NYC suburbs, catering to I-don’t-know-who: a tempting beef rib at about 1/3 the cost of glatt meat.

I called my LOR (Local Orthodox Rabbi) and asked if it was alright, and he was like, Sure, I mean, I wouldn’t eat it or eat off a grill that cooked it, but go ahead if you like.

This is not the kashrut of our forefathers who, according to Orthodox lore were supposed to have been even more holy than we are. They ate non glatt beef, drank uncertified IPAs and, truth be told, didn’t always wear yarmulkes or even always cover their heads.

But maybe the idea is that because we are less holy we have to try hard harder?

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And don’t get me started on going to Israel.

When I first arrived there as a newly practicing Orthodox, Jew, I thought, Wonderful. I can eat all kinds of stuff that I can’t get at home, cheese and cuts of meat that you can’t find even in Brooklyn because it’s a whole country of Jews, most of whom to keep kosher.

Oh, but some are Ashkenazi and some are Sfardi, and if you’re Ashkenazi you don’t wanna be eating Beit Yosef meat, even though they’ve been doing glatt from the get go, because the guy who slit the throat of that cow davens from a different siddur.⁴

It was maddening. It is, in my view, a chillul hashem—a humiliation of God’s name

But then again, some people might say that’s exactly what this post is.

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The problem for me is that I never got both feet on board the Orthodox ship. I’m always sailing along with half my body hanging overboard. And I agree that’s no way to live.

Now you might say, well, then why don’t you just go and daven with conservatives or reconstructionist or poststructuralist or whatever.

And you know, I might, if there was any reconstruction poststructuralist synagogue in my neighborhood, and if they didn’t all have political opinions that make me crazy, and if I could find them wherever I travel, but probably not.

I was recently at an event full of conservative Jews, not politically, but religiously conservative. And I felt very uncomfortable. Not so much with their prayer books. But with their whole Long Island upper-middle-class professional vibe.

It just doesn’t suit me. I rather hang out with the guys from Crown Heights, just like when I was in high school, and I avoided all those well-behaved Jews heading to Princeton and Yale.

There’s something more embodied about the Orthodox Jews, something more real about their spirituality for me, something that feels more genuine than what I get among conservative and reform Jews.

As for reconstructionist and renewal Jews, those are as rare as wild eagles around these parts. And, besides, despite the tie-dyed bandanna I sport sometimes, I’ve kinda outgrown my hippie days.⁵

So what does all this kvetching amount to?

I’m annoyed that I’m not supposed to drink a beer I don’t like anyway.

Welcome to my world.

1. Religious Judaism

2. Okay, here’s a better explanation.

3. The irony being that their hotdogs are not Glatt and non Orthodox Jew would touch them with a ten-foot yad.

4. Prays from a different prayerbook.

5. I was thinking maybe Karaite Judaism might be more sensible, and then I came across this on Wikipedia . . . . “Most Karaites refrain from sexual relations on [Shabbat] since they maintain that engaging in them can cause fatigue . . . . additionally, impregnating one’s wife is considered melakha (forbidden work) !” [italics and exclamation points are my own].